Today’s exercise felt uncannily like a 12-step inventory. As I reflect on the exercise, I didn’t mention how any of the behaviors directly impact my writing, and I suppose that’s because the instructions didn’t specifically ask me to tie the behaviors back to my original goal. The experience is kind of surreal as I move through the process as a first-timer, not remembering what Sheila and I wrote in the instructions, which is actually kind of ideal because it’s giving me better perspective on what a product user would be going through right now.
For Day 7, two themes rose to the top: conflict avoidance and escapism.
I didn’t realize until reviewing my answers how deeply these two patterns are interwoven. One shows up in how I talk—or don’t talk. The other shows up in how I check out. There’s a part of me that would rather do anything than face conflict or rejection.
That insight took on even more weight when I connected it back to my 30-day goal: finishing more writing projects. The moment I finish something, the next step is putting my work out into the world, where rejection becomes a real possibility. People get ugly when I write things they don’t like. Part of me would rather stay in the comforting illusion of unfinished potential than risk criticism once I share completed work.
The core behavioral shift I need to make is the habit of embracing my inborn masculine fierceness and running toward danger. I believe all men are wired with an innate drive toward courage and ambition, but I wonder: why do I suppress my God-given ability to act on those qualities? Surely all men face the same fear, or worse. At my core, I know I carry the same potential for courage as any other man.
This dilemma brings to mind the age-old tension between fate and free will—a theme that feels especially relevant when considering the choices I make around fear and courage. How do we account for the fact that people make different choices? If courage is not a mere condition of circumstance, then why do two people make different choices given the same situation? (I consider genetics and biochemistry to be circumstances, because everything I might experience in my body is circumstantial to my being. I am not my body; I ride around in my body.)
It’s enjoyable to be able to make observations about my own character as a detached scientist. I can look at myself the same way I would look at a fly in a jar, or perhaps the way B.F. Skinner looked at his pigeons. I wonder what conditions I need to create for myself to behave like the subject I want to become. There are things I can do to myself that would be unethical to do to anyone else. I can experiment on myself for the sake of finding a recipe to cultivate courage and self-confidence at an elemental level.
Given everything going on in the world right now, it really seems like time is of the essence. We need more courageous people. There’s a lot of fear and conflict that needs to be faced to right the wrongs in the world. Just for today, I am satisfied with my mission.