For some reason today’s prompt seems like a chore. Maybe it is because I have explored this type of topic over and over throughout my adult life. My resistance to getting this done this morning, though, makes me wonder if there is something that I might be missing or avoiding.
My default behaviors are rooted in social survival. I tend to show up as smart, nice, and helpful. I found early on that these characteristics, while not foolproof, often make it harder for people to be mean to me.
For the most part, I am quite comfortable with those traits. The issue arises from the fact that underneath that is a feeling of being safe if I don’t stand out too much. I can be smart, but not show up as too smart.
For example, one time in high school Calculus the teacher was working out a problem on the board and realized something was wrong somewhere in her process, but couldn’t figure out what it was. She asked the class to help her find out where she had gotten off track. A couple of the more confident students made suggestions, but they didn’t pan out.
But I saw it. And I didn’t speak up about it until the bell rang and everyone left the classroom. I meekly walked over and pointed out where she had brought something down incorrectly. She asked me why I hadn’t spoken up during clasee and I just shrugged. (Fun fact: A similar scene made it into my novel, “Goddess Game“).
I still feel this self-restraint to this day. Part of me doesn’t want to be noticed – to just do what I do and get the results I want without anyone really even knowing it was me.
Being an author and artist doesn’t seem to quite work like that. I’m still in the muck on this, but I have hold on a strong vine and am pulling myself out.